And I will rise on eagle's wings

I enjoy spending time in the yard to tend to my garden. It’s a time of solitude and meditation. The cool breeze from the Bay with moderate temperature allows me to lose track of time in the outdoors. And it’s always a great treat when I’m in the company of birds flying over my home in search of food. Red-tailed Hawks are one of my favorite birds; they measure eighteen to twenty-six inches in length with a wingspan of three feet seven inches to four feet eight inches, which allows them to fly upwards of one hundred twenty miles per hour when diving through the air. When you have a close encounter with a hawk flying fifty feet above your head, you are left mesmerized at the majesty and sheer size of the wingspan, not realizing just how massive these birds are, big enough to cast a shadow below. There is a flock of hawks that live in the Eucalyptus trees on a hill near my home and every spring we can hear the passionate screeching of the newborn chicks demanding food.

I mostly enjoy gardening because it allows for a time of self-reflection. Gardening can be a metaphor for our hearts as well; out of which flows spring of life (Proverbs 4:23). It was summer in 2018 when I was waiting for my biopsy results and decided to garden to keep my mind occupied. As I was plucking weeds and pruning tomatoes, a thought surfaced about the biopsy results not being favorable. Call it a hunch or paranoia, but before dismissing the thought I took the opportunity to say a quick and earnest prayer. In the event the news was not good, I prayed that God would be closer to me than ever because I was going to really need Him. A few days later while I was gardening, I received a call from my surgeon that the biopsy results showed an early stage of breast cancer. My world stopped at an instant. Did I just hear “cancer?” I think my hearing also stopped at that moment in a state of shock because all else was a blur while my surgeon continued on to discuss the details. How did I get cancer? I was in my early forties and fairly healthy. How could this happen? My questions were not answered, but they paled in comparison to what God was up to and how He would use this journey to work on some issues in my heart.

Through gardening I have found that when weeds are left unattended, they will develop roots that spread and dig deeper. The longer you allow the weeds to grow, the tougher it will be to uproot. I believe this is similar to the issues of our lives when we leave them unaddressed and I certainly had my fair share. It was during this cancer journey that the Holy Spirit began the good work by surfacing areas of my heart that needed change. Issues that were buried deep for years were brought to light for me to confront.

As someone who follows Jesus Christ, I am a passionate believer that we need to extend grace and forgiveness to others when they transgress against us. “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32.)  This was what I aspired to uphold daily. However, the Holy Spirit began to point out that while I had done my best to live out this virtue, that I had not done a good job of extending that grace to myself. You see, I had been carrying guilt and shame for many years, unable to shake it off. I felt God saying it was time to let go of that weight and to extend kindness to myself as well. Advices are easier said than done, but these words truly resonated in my heart to the point that I declared to my husband that I was done feeling shame and guilt, that I had paid my dues (in the form of self-punishment), and that I, too, deserved grace. I had a picture of taking off dirty rags and putting on a new garment.

Unbeknownst to me then that this personal revelation would start the work of uprooting some weeds in my heart. It is true that when our hearts are healthy, that impact overflows to bless the lives of others around us. The opposite is also true, for unhealthy hearts that can negatively impact and hurt others. It was interesting that God would use cancer to grab my attention to address issues to heal and set me free. I was thankful for the breakthrough; it was a subtle change but I can assure you that since that revelation, I rarely condemn myself anymore and cringe less when I make mistakes. That was the noticeable difference and I learned that God could use trials to create something new and beautiful.

There is a quote by a respected pastor that I have adopted where he profoundly states,“Character is the container that blessing rests in.”^[1] Might I also add that a weak character is akin to a bucket with holes. You can pour water (or blessing) in it, but it will not contain it until the holes are addressed. It is no wonder why the Bible has many verses regarding refining our character. I was resolved to continue to focus on my personal growth to strengthen my character after defeating cancer. I was unaware then that there was a plan, that God would use this cancer journey as a training ground to prepare me for what would come.

Years later, it would appear to be an ordinary day in the warm month of August in 2022. My husband had left on a flight earlier that morning to visit a client. I was working from home. A week had passed since I discovered a lump on my breast, which I dismissed as a scar tissue from the previous surgery but decided to get it checked anyways to be safe. I was waiting for the test results after undergoing multiple screening and biopsies. I figured if diagnosis was another cancer that I would get a lumpectomy like last time, which was rather a simple process and did not worry too much about it.

I was wrong. The test results showed that it was breast cancer again. But not only that, the cancer was detected in one of the lymph nodes. A wave of shock reverberated through my entire body. I was not expecting to hear that the cancer had spread. With tears streaming down my face, I texted my husband who was still on a flight.  Flying 30,000 feet above the ground, I sent him the message that I knew would also shock him in his seat, “Got the test results and cancer has spread.” The world fell silent at that moment for the both of us. I starred at my text stunned as I re-read the words that I had just sent. My husband who rarely sheds tears was overcome with emotions. He had a connecting flight but decided to turn back to return home to be with me that evening.

In the midst of navigating through a flood of emotions and my mind spinning, fears of losing all my hair and the potential of getting a mastectomy weighed heaviest on my heart. I was thankful for the detection that the annual mammogram did not catch, but I was still left with many questions. How did I get cancer again? What caused it? Why didn’t the annual mammogram see this? How do I prevent future recurrence? How does Your healing work, God? You said greater things we would do, including casting out demons, healing the sick, and raising the dead. How do I live this out? And yet, I am the one needing healing?

^“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose.” -Romans 8:28

In the chaos, I heard a gentle but firm whisper – He works for good to those who love Him. In a profound way, I understood what it meant to stand upon the Word of God, and it was as if this verse was holding my heart to be still. Even with some of the worst news I could receive, my confidence and hope remained in the Lord. I rested on the truth that He is a good Father and I could trust Him through this unfamiliar and uncertain path. Little did I know that in the midst of one of my most terrifying trials, God had a plan; plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

I typically dream a lot in the night and I have had dreams that depicted an actual situation of someone I personally knew, including details of what she was actually going through in life without my prior knowledge except through a dream. God reaches out to us through many creative ways, and dreams are one of the ways He would continue to speak to me throughout my cancer journey. And His voice, His presence made all the difference.

A month after undergoing surgery, I started receiving chemo along with scalp cooling therapy to reduce hair loss. Studies had shown that I would have 95% chance of keeping 50% or more of my hair, which gave assurance that I could conceal the appearance of enduring chemo. Public attention was not exactly on top of my list. As if God knew my heart, a few weeks after the start of chemo I had a dream one night where the back of my hair grew four to five inches longer than the front and side. That next morning I was in shock when I found myself holding a hand full of hair as I was rinsing off the shampoo. But what was more astonishing was that after initially tearing up, I was not as devastated as I had previously feared. In that moment, I quickly came to terms and accepted that this, too, was beyond my control and with resolve whispered to myself – “Here we go. If I lose my hair, it will not be in vain. I am going to lose it for the glory of God. I don’t know how, but He will use this situation for good.” God was building my courage and I was determined to remain focused on Him. It’s worth mentioning that I ended up losing most of my hair but some in the back of my head remained, similar to the dream. Interestingly, I would have another dream about my hair after completing chemo.

There were other facets to the challenges I endured; one was a lesson in obedience. Although I took my hair loss in stride, I felt conscious when I had to serve on the prayer ministry team which meant standing in front of the congregation towards the end of the service to minister to those who come forward for prayer. With most of my hair gone I wore beanies and bandanas to cover the baldness. I was accepting of this until I was discouraged by voices in my head accusing me how I could pray for healing for others while I was sick with cancer and if I was even qualified to pray. I knew I was called to serve on the prayer ministry and wanted to be faithful, yet I struggled with these thoughts. It was at that moment when I heard the Lord speaking to me once again – You are not qualified based on your merits, you are qualified because I have called you. It is My power that heals, not yours. All you have to do is to obey, allowing yourself to be used as an instrument regardless of what you look like or what you’re going through. Just wow, talk about a conviction. I made the decision to stand firm and did not hesitate from praying for others from that moment on.

Even though I was the one enduring the harsh treatments and falling sick many days, I never felt alone. And for the most part of this journey, I was unusually sustained by profound peace that surpassed all understanding and a deep joy that filled my soul that there was no room for fear to occupy my heart. In fact, I experienced deeper peace and joy during this trial than before. So baffling, but so cool!

I would be remiss if I did not mention the support of family and friends that surrounded me; my husband, who literally walked with me every day as doctor ordered, accompanied me to all my appointments and treatments, and nursed me through my worst days. I was also blessed to have the support from friends who carried me on the wings of their prayer, with some even sacrificing food to fast and intercede for my healing.

There were additional pivotal moments that left a mark upon my heart that impressed God’s faithfulness, and how He is closer to those who are suffering. One early morning, I woke up at 4:00 a.m. with a specific worship song in my heart and an overwhelming urge to sing. This was not a typical scenario. You see, I love to sleep and rarely do I get up in the early morning hours, let alone with a desire to sing. But, I had to sing! It was pitch dark outside with the neighborhood sound asleep. After getting out of bed and closing the bedroom door, I sat in the family room. And in the stillness of the night, I sang a love song unto the Lord with all my heart – I Will Exalt You, a song by Hillsong.

I still cherish this intimate encounter. “Because you’re with me, I will not fear.”

As I finished my treatments, one last step remained.  It was not long until my surgeon scheduled a meeting to discuss getting a mastectomy. We had postponed this topic to be revisited after my treatments, yet I was not ready to face this decision and was filled with dread. On one stormy morning of January 11, the reality had finally sunk in, and for the first time after receiving the news of cancer, I was overwhelmed with anger. Questions I never asked God came spilling out – Why do I have to go through this, why me, why me? In my anger, I could not just sit at home. I needed to vent. I needed to go out even though there was a downpour of rain. I took my umbrella and walked out the front door not knowing where I would go. Exasperated, I headed towards the hill and found myself at a nearby park, next to the park benches on a deck. There were Redwood trees that stood one hundred feet tall surrounding the deck. As it continued to pour down with rain, the corner of the deck caught my attention. While the entire deck was drenched in rain, the corner remained dry! Distracted and curious by this phenomenon, I approached it for a close examination. As I stood in the corner and looked up, I saw a canopy of Redwood trees that hovered over the corner of the deck, protecting it from the rain and leaving the area dry. And it was then that God began speaking to me again – to be sheltered from the storms of life, you need to draw close to Me so that I can cover you under My wings and protect you. Did God just quote Psalm 91 to me? I am still baffled by what happened next, but shortly after hearing His voice and having an epiphany, all my burning anger and fear dissipated instantly! Without hesitation, standing on that corner, I made a decision to surrender. I prayed – Lord, I will go through with mastectomy if that is the right decision. You can use this, too, for Your glory. Not my will but Yours be done.

You know how Moses had his encounter with God at the burning bush? He’s had countless of other encounters, but nevertheless, I felt that was my own pivotal encounter with God, a holy moment, on that rainy morning in January that changed me.

They say hindsight is 20/20, and this is true in my case as well. I was unable to see what was all happening while going through the challenges and trials of cancer, but what I realize now is that God was using this journey to not only heal my physical body but also to heal my heart and change me spiritually. And this to me was one of the biggest miracles. Let me elaborate; after walking through cancer an issue that would normally trigger me, I discovered I was no longer bothered by it! And overall, I had less fear and more confidence in the Lord, and felt I had crossed over to a new level. I felt a new level of freedom deeper than I had previously experienced in my life. What? God, when did you do that? I love this newfound freedom! I knew I had been transformed. The “before” and “after” cancer version of Linda was remarkably different. I felt different. Some of my friends have also noticed the change.

I now truly believe that God can use our trials and turn them into triumphs, like He did for my journey. I am also convinced that I received a “promotion” after walking through my trial with victory. I don’t believe it was a coincidence that I recently became a manager of people at work for the first time in my career and started leading Bible Study sessions. Normally I would shy away from leadership roles but after cancer I find myself rising to the occasion and no longer hindered by thoughts of fear of failures. These are some of the “subtle” changes I am seeing and so grateful for.

As I continue to look back, I can see God’s hand even a month before cancer detection where my husband and I had the same dream less than a week apart. I could see that God was giving us warnings. And throughout my treatments and after, He continued to speak through dreams, including a dream where my hair grew overnight and another where there was a closet full of new clothes (new wine skin – how he changed me). I can now see the sequence of my dreams aligning to what I have been walking through. God is faithful. He prepares us and walks with us through the fire. It’s no wonder why it says in James 1:2 to count it all joy when trials come. Trials are not easy to walk through, but I now realize that it is possible to go through the fire to be refined with Jesus by our side. We are not alone. All things are possible through Jesus who gives us strength.

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If I could summarize the key takeaways from my journey to encourage others, it would be the following:

• God is not silent. He speaks. We need actively to listen for His voice, which in most cases can be gentle whispers. Be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10).
• Stand upon the promises of God, in His Word through trials. This determines your attitude and heart posture, which makes all the difference – are we going to walk this journey moaning and groaning or with confidence in the Lord and that we will see His goodness (Psalm 27:13-14)?
• Cultivate a deep relationship with Jesus. Don’t rely only on Sunday sermons, but set aside a devoted time to seek His face. When we have an intimate relationship with Jesus, our confidence and trust in Him also increase, which I believe lends to His grace being sufficient in our weakness when we go through trials. I do believe it makes it more bearable to go through trials when our foundation is firm.
• Trials can yield much fruit that may not have been able to be produced otherwise (1 Peter 1:7). Thanksgiving was not initially in my thought when I received the diagnosis, but it was when I began to realize how God was at work (Romans 8:28). While I would not have chosen to walk through a cancer journey, I am thankful to have gone through it because of what God did, and it was worth all the tears and pain!

Key scriptures during this season

Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the LORD, The Creator of the ends of the earth, Neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable.

He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young men shall utterly fall, But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.

Psalm 18:30 As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

Psalm 27:13-14 I will remain confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 91

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.² I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.” ³ Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the ^[a]fowler And from the perilous pestilence.⁴ He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge;

¹⁴ “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will ^[e]set him on high, because he has known My name.¹⁵ He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him.

My memorial of that rainy morning in January – may I never forget!

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^[1] Johnson, Bill [@billjohnsonministries]